It is 4am. I haven't yet been able to sleep tonight. Yesterday was an unsettling day. The kind of day one hopes to have rarely, if ever. It was a day that should have been good. It was the end of the year basketball potluck and award ceremony. I quoted four car deals for three separate dealers, two of whom even pay upfront. I closed two files in the office, not bad for a Saturday. We slept in as a family. I had a wonderful love letter from my husband. It was my birthday.
The day didn't end on a high note, though. Tonight, I struggle to turn it over to God in prayer. I feel my mind racing ahead when I try to slow down to speak with God. I can't quite focus on what I want to say, or what I want, or what I am really thinking. I feel used, but maybe I should feel peace I am able to be used as a connector. I feel second in my family, which was driven home by a number of points and people this weekend, but maybe I should feel being second is a reminder of how we need to live our lives with another as the primary focus. Maybe this weekend is a humbling event, designed to bring me closer to God.
Or maybe, this just sucks.
Either way, I am struggling with my inability to find peace in prayer tonight. Usually, it is a comforting balm. Even if I don't feel a solution is forthcoming or the situation is going to get better any time soon, I usually feel a peace at making a connection with God. Tonight, I can't even remember all of the Mysteries of the Rosary and would rather not be up, wandering the house and disturbing others to get the booklet from the prayer table with all of the Mysteries. So, here I am, sitting at a laptop in the dark of my bedroom, listening to my husband breathe, scratching a dog or two's years from time to time, waiting for the alarm to go off so we can get ready to go to Mass. Maybe there, I will catch up to God for our conversation.
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