Holy Thursday

I struggle with Holy Thursday. All right, to be honest, my current theme is struggle. I struggle in all areas of faith. But, more than my usual issues, I *struggle* with Holy Thursday. Holy Thursday, no matter what date it falls on, will always be the day I associate with my mother-in-law's death.

It is the day my world turned upside down. It is the day that was the beginning of a long, lonely, seven year separation from my faith.

Her life was about service. She served her church faithfully. She believed in serving others through food programs and Bible School. Tonight's Mass is focused on service, from the scriptures to the washing of feet by the parish priest. This might need to be a topic for me to reflect on and pray about. Possibly, I should be looking to draw comfort from those parallels rather than focusing on the losses we have experienced.

Remembering Carol always: 2/19/41-3/27/1997

Falling Down

I have been falling down on the job. Even in this time of Lent, I am feeling disconnected. The challenge is figuring out why the disconnect is happening and taking steps to cover that gap. It isn't that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying. I am attending Mass. I am studying our Rediscovering Catholicism. I am actively involved with our Faith Formation class. I have attended Stations of the Cross. I am planning on attending the Chrism Mass. I am just not quite "feeling" what I should be feeling. Last year's Lenten journey was amazing. This year, I feel flat.

Faith Formation Mass

We have Mass after Faith Formation every Wednesday night. It is a new addition to our Faith Formation schedule and I really like it. For awhile now, I have thought I should be attending daily Mass. I have probably actually attended daily Mass twice, ever. It is possible, I have attended more, but not much, and it has always been on Monday evenings, until this school year.

I enjoy it. I enjoy seeing the number of youth who stay after Faith Formation. Some weeks there are more than others. Every week, students from one of the classes assist with music, readings and prayers. The bigger the class, the more students stay. The younger the class, the more parents and younger siblings stay. Tonight, there were probably 30 people in attendance.

My favorite part of the Mass is the celebration of the Eucharist. Father invites everyone in attendance to come down around the altar. We are all within feet of the elevation of the Body of Christ. It is very powerful and moving. I didn't realize how spiritual it felt until last week, when we remained in our pews. It felt like something was missing.'

It was good to be close to Jesus tonight.

Falling Down on the Job

Months ago, I was starting a 40 day journey, or so I said. It didn't happen. I was paralyzed. There was too much to do, but most of it was busy work. My focus was on taking care of business, but not necessarily taking care of my spiritual business.

I had things to do. After all, I chaired the HarvestFest and the 125th Anniversary celebration of our Parish. I started the school year, chairing the Education Advisory Committee and sitting on the Parish Council as the reporting representative from the EAC committee. My husband and I began another school year teaching the 2nd grade class in Faith Formation. There were the Sunday obligation Masses and the Wednesday night Masses after Faith Formation. We had daily prayer before the kids headed off to school.

Somewhere in there, though, while I was trying to take care of the spiritual needs of my family, I wasn't taking care of my own. I couldn't even acknowledge my own. I didn't want to face my own.

So, here I am: gearing up for an Emmaus retreat, praying for peace, hoping for comfort, looking to re-connect with my own spiritual self.

Day Two...Return to the Basics

Somewhere, in the hustle of life, and the stepping out of "normal routine", my prayer life as suffered. Father Sam, who made such a simple request of one, just one, Hail Mary a day, hasn't been receiving hs requested prayers. Today, I returned to the basics of life, my prayer life. For Father Sam, I have said one Hail Mary.

The First Day

Today, I stepped outside of my quiet comfort zone. Today, I responded to a Caring Bridge entry for the first time. I have felt I have been living a life that isn't as fully connected as it should be. Because of that, I have been hesitant about sharing my feelings and thoughts. I don't want to appear hypocritical.

Today, I gain strength from the 23rd Psalm and hope others can, too. It is the proof we are not in this alone. We have a strong guiding presence walking this journey with each and every one of us. It is just a matter of coming through the dark periods to the light on the other side.

40 Days

The post title and sentiment are the same for another blog posting I made this evening. I have not been dealing with my spiritual needs since the Las Vegas trip. I have not been spending time in prayer they way I should. All I can say is I have made it to Mass and said meal prayers. That isn't saying a lot.

Today, I will being a forty day journey through my personal desert. For the next 40 days, I will spend time in contemplative prayer. I will focus on my relationship with Jesus. I will work to reconnect with the spiritual side of my being and put it back on the forefront where it belongs.