Holy Thursday

I struggle with Holy Thursday. All right, to be honest, my current theme is struggle. I struggle in all areas of faith. But, more than my usual issues, I *struggle* with Holy Thursday. Holy Thursday, no matter what date it falls on, will always be the day I associate with my mother-in-law's death.

It is the day my world turned upside down. It is the day that was the beginning of a long, lonely, seven year separation from my faith.

Her life was about service. She served her church faithfully. She believed in serving others through food programs and Bible School. Tonight's Mass is focused on service, from the scriptures to the washing of feet by the parish priest. This might need to be a topic for me to reflect on and pray about. Possibly, I should be looking to draw comfort from those parallels rather than focusing on the losses we have experienced.

Remembering Carol always: 2/19/41-3/27/1997

Falling Down

I have been falling down on the job. Even in this time of Lent, I am feeling disconnected. The challenge is figuring out why the disconnect is happening and taking steps to cover that gap. It isn't that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying. I am attending Mass. I am studying our Rediscovering Catholicism. I am actively involved with our Faith Formation class. I have attended Stations of the Cross. I am planning on attending the Chrism Mass. I am just not quite "feeling" what I should be feeling. Last year's Lenten journey was amazing. This year, I feel flat.

Faith Formation Mass

We have Mass after Faith Formation every Wednesday night. It is a new addition to our Faith Formation schedule and I really like it. For awhile now, I have thought I should be attending daily Mass. I have probably actually attended daily Mass twice, ever. It is possible, I have attended more, but not much, and it has always been on Monday evenings, until this school year.

I enjoy it. I enjoy seeing the number of youth who stay after Faith Formation. Some weeks there are more than others. Every week, students from one of the classes assist with music, readings and prayers. The bigger the class, the more students stay. The younger the class, the more parents and younger siblings stay. Tonight, there were probably 30 people in attendance.

My favorite part of the Mass is the celebration of the Eucharist. Father invites everyone in attendance to come down around the altar. We are all within feet of the elevation of the Body of Christ. It is very powerful and moving. I didn't realize how spiritual it felt until last week, when we remained in our pews. It felt like something was missing.'

It was good to be close to Jesus tonight.

Falling Down on the Job

Months ago, I was starting a 40 day journey, or so I said. It didn't happen. I was paralyzed. There was too much to do, but most of it was busy work. My focus was on taking care of business, but not necessarily taking care of my spiritual business.

I had things to do. After all, I chaired the HarvestFest and the 125th Anniversary celebration of our Parish. I started the school year, chairing the Education Advisory Committee and sitting on the Parish Council as the reporting representative from the EAC committee. My husband and I began another school year teaching the 2nd grade class in Faith Formation. There were the Sunday obligation Masses and the Wednesday night Masses after Faith Formation. We had daily prayer before the kids headed off to school.

Somewhere in there, though, while I was trying to take care of the spiritual needs of my family, I wasn't taking care of my own. I couldn't even acknowledge my own. I didn't want to face my own.

So, here I am: gearing up for an Emmaus retreat, praying for peace, hoping for comfort, looking to re-connect with my own spiritual self.

Day Two...Return to the Basics

Somewhere, in the hustle of life, and the stepping out of "normal routine", my prayer life as suffered. Father Sam, who made such a simple request of one, just one, Hail Mary a day, hasn't been receiving hs requested prayers. Today, I returned to the basics of life, my prayer life. For Father Sam, I have said one Hail Mary.

The First Day

Today, I stepped outside of my quiet comfort zone. Today, I responded to a Caring Bridge entry for the first time. I have felt I have been living a life that isn't as fully connected as it should be. Because of that, I have been hesitant about sharing my feelings and thoughts. I don't want to appear hypocritical.

Today, I gain strength from the 23rd Psalm and hope others can, too. It is the proof we are not in this alone. We have a strong guiding presence walking this journey with each and every one of us. It is just a matter of coming through the dark periods to the light on the other side.

40 Days

The post title and sentiment are the same for another blog posting I made this evening. I have not been dealing with my spiritual needs since the Las Vegas trip. I have not been spending time in prayer they way I should. All I can say is I have made it to Mass and said meal prayers. That isn't saying a lot.

Today, I will being a forty day journey through my personal desert. For the next 40 days, I will spend time in contemplative prayer. I will focus on my relationship with Jesus. I will work to reconnect with the spiritual side of my being and put it back on the forefront where it belongs.

Safely Home

It has been four days since we have been home. We were near multiple accidents, but didn't have one ourselves. We came through the mountains unscathed. There were challenges on the road, but a ready solution presented itself each time. The only answer for how that is possible is God rode this trip with us, every mile of the road.

Prayers Again

We were held up for another accident tonight, this time on Interstate 15, in Las Vegas. We offer prayers for those involved, from the driver to the witnesses, the rescue personnel to the ones who clean up after the accident and to all those who haven't been named. Please join us in an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.

Prayers

Tonight, I ask for prayers for the anonymous person from the car accident on I-80. We came by in the aftermath, with the burned out shell of a car that had been obviously handled with a jaws of life and the emergency personnel still on the scene. It was horrific to see after it was all said and done. I can't imagine how it felt to see it when the car was on fire or when they were cutting the driver out.

As a family, we prayed for all those involved. I invite you to join us in an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be for all involved today.

Travelling with Holy Water

Almost as a side note, as we walked out the door yesterday morning, I grabbed one of our bottles of holy water. I feel safer knowing we are starting our day with prayer and blessings as we embark on the next leg of our journey to Las Vegas. It was not on my packing list, though, so it must have been on someone else's. God is travelling with us this week.

Mount Rushmore

As part of our trip through South Dakota, the boys and I visited Mount Rushmore tonight. The whole feeling around the place is one of spirituality. The boys spoke in hushed voices without being prompted. I spoke in a hushed voice, without thinking about it.

I don't know the experience was "Catholic" necessarily, but it had a holiness. I will have to pray about this to get a better handle on how I felt and why I felt it. There wasn't a religious ceremony. It was a history lesson, coupled with the lighting of the Monument and recognition of past and present military. Rationally looking back, I don't see a reason for my feelings, but there were definitely there.

Maybe a little sleep will bring clarity.

Roadside Signs

We are travelling for my sister's wedding this week. Our journey started in Marshall and is currently resting in Rapid City, SD. All the way across South Dakota, I have seen billboards regarding faith. Some have been "messages from God". Others have been scripture. Still others have been condemnations. I wonder the impact of those signs on others. Do people read them? Do people jot down a scripture reference for later review? and if they do, do they follow up?

Some of the billboards I find interesting. Many I find offensive. None of them have I ever followed up on once I wke me.as home, although I have written down scriptures. It just didn't carry over the impact strong enough for me to finish off the process. I wonder how many people are li

Scapulars

It is time for me to look into another area of our faith. Scapulars are something I know very little about, and I should know more. I have seen them, usually at First Communion, but I have never studied them.

Today, there was an update on one of the women I have been praying for on a regular basis. She is battling cancer. Honestly, I am pretty sure she is in the final stages and the prayers should be more than God's will be done than to pray for recovery. At this point, it will take a miracle, although, that is within God's reach if He so chooses.

Her mother's only complaint or concern about the care she is receiving, other than her desire for her daughter's recovery, is the nursing staff takes off her scapular. Their priest was there today and have now tied it on to her arm with a silk string and a note to leave it on. I pray they will be able to respect the request. They are drawing so much strength from their faith, I know it reassures her mother to know it is on her body.

Celebrating the Body and Blood of Christ

Three years ago this week, on the Sunday commemorating the Body and Blood of Christ, we re-dedicated our wedding bands. My original set disappeared at some point when Dave's dad died. Dave gave me an anniversary band that Christmas, but I didn't have wedding rings for years after. Three years ago, he replaced them.

We had planned a trip to the Twin Cities that corresponded with our anniversary. Father Mike agreed to bless our rings at the baptismal font that was dedicated, in part, to the memory of Dave's parents. For more than one reason, it was a very special day.

I have never attended a Mass, other than Holy Thursdays, where the Eucharist moves in procession. That day was so spiritual. Almost the entire congregation followed the monstrance out of the Church. The walk around the city block was full of song and prayer. I cannot tell you how many people were there. I can tell you there was full participation. The voices raised together were so powerful, so resounding. I haven't felt anything like that since.

The tone of Mass this morning led us to believe today may be the day for another procession, but it was not to be. Maybe next year we will go back to St. Bernard's.

Eucharist

Father Larry's commentary in the bulletin at Immaculate Heart of Mary focused on living in the Eucharist. He stated we have to truly live as God asks us to be living in the Eucharist. Gossiping, speaking behind others' back, and being spiteful would not allow us to be one with the Eucharist. Therein lies a question. At what point does discussing your feelings and experiences cross the line to gossip and speaking behind others' back? I guess if you have to question if you should have said something, the answer has been given to you, or me, as the case may be.

Outward Signs of Faith

As I watched a reality program about re-doing outdoor spaces, it struck me. The man who was receiving the outdoor make-over was wearing a yarmulke. He is unapologetically Jewish. He is appearing on a nationally syndicated television program wearing a very outward and unmistakable symbol of his faith. How many of us are willing to do that? How readily do you share your faith with the world around you?

Skipping Mass

We made a quick trip to Sioux Falls today. We knew we were going to be home too late to be able to get to Mass this evening. Dave and I figured we would need to pick a Mass tomorrow, either at the lake or at home, but we didn't discuss that with the boys, exactly. We told them we had decided to skip Mass this weekend.

You should have heard the hollering in the car! As a matter of fact, you *might* have heard the hollering! We were informed we cannot skip Mass because we would be breaking the Third Commandment. We were told we cannot skip Mass because we are supposed to show God our love and respect to him by attending the Mass. Both of them were appalled at the mere thought of missing Mass.

I would say we are on the right track with them. I can only pray it will continue as they grow and mature, and move toward an independent relationship with Jesus.

Watching Your Child Die

A woman I have known of for more than six years is watching her daughter die by inches before her eyes. It was just a couple of months ago when some on-going complications with her lungs chased her into the doctor's office. The final diagnosis was lung cancer.

She is my age. She has a daughter fairly close in age to my children's ages. Her mother is about my mother's age. Her father is close in age to my father's age. Her mother has been caring for her father and his cancer issues for as long as I have known her. For the past weeks, she has been caring for her dying daughter and her daugher's daughter while trying to juggle life with her husband and her greyhounds.

My heart is breaking for them. I cannot imagine the pain of what they are dealing with right now. Please keep Patti and Fred, Dee and her husband, and the little one, in your prayers in the days ahead.

More Food For Thought

I received another email this morning. This one told of celebrities who had made disparaging comments about God and how their lives were shortened. I don't think for one moment everyone who dies young disrespected God, but it does give me a moment to pause and consider my attitude toward God. Am I respectful? Do I minimize the role God has in my life while maximizing the effect of my personal contribution?